A Little Visit From Anxiety
This morning my anxiety popped by to say hello. Do you want to know the invite? That bloody parasitic snail trending on twitter. I am being serious.
Usually I would bottle it up, or maybe tell Phil or take a wee calming pill and go about my business. But this trigger was so utterly ridiculous I decided to have a wee think about why it got me panicky and what I can do to stop it happening again.
Firstly, a bit of insight into my brain. I hate dirt, mess, things not in a straight line, weeds, beasties and dust. I don't think it's a form of OCD, its just the way I am. My day will be utterly ruined if things aren't organised. My Gran was like this so maybe a wee gift from her.
Most of the time, it doesn't get to me - in fact I often enjoy tidying, but when there are situations I can't control, i.e. Phil's every growing pile of socks that don't make it to a drawer, I get panicky. Welcome to the world of Mairi.
But back to our infected snail pal. If you haven't seen this trending on twitter - don't look. I'll give you a quick lowdown. Someone captured a snail infected with Leucochloridium worms, capable of controlling its host (ugh) and turning its eyes stalks (ughhhhhh) into caterpillar-like tubes. This in turn attracts birds and I won't go in to the rest.
The details of the trigger are only important because they sent my brain on a wild adventure. What if I saw an infected snail in my garden? What if the bird I passed this morning, a wee scabby thing, also had some version of the worm (note: the worm does its weird eye thing to snails). What if somewhere down the line this could happen to people? What if there is a non-infected snail in my house? What if there is a fly in my house? What if my floor isn't clean (this is the serious journey my brain takes).
Additionally, I felt sick. I still do. I feel like my skin is crawling and my heart is beating; similar how I feel when I find out of date potatoes on top of the fridge.
I guess it is because I want (or need) life to be clean and crisp and perfect. I want everything to look like a picture perfect movie without rain ruining your outfit, having to run for a bus or parasitic snails.
And that, my friends, is why anxiety is staying with me today.